wal-mart adventure

be careful... sarcasm ahead.

i ran into wal-mart today to "grab" a few things and order some pictures. the picture kiosk was running on a processor i have no doubt was from the early 70's and i was left tapping my foot and trying not to break out in song to pass the time. when the pictures were finally ordered i made my way to the hair section-- it is absolutely unbelievable to me that all the colors of the rainbow can be displayed in shampoo alone -- before one even gets to the mousse and gel. i let out a little thankful breath that i knew i wanted the green bottle and made my way to the checkout. as is typical of this season, every register was about eight feet deep in two moms and an old man with five carts (all together of course-- who ever heard of an old man with five carts?). I walked toward my exit door hoping the 7 items or less lines would be short and sweet. wonder of wonders! there was one and only one lady with two poinsettias in this line-- it was meant to be. before i was born-- this line was supposed to be mine. the bleach blond who tried valiantly at politeness quickly rang up my items as i dug in my purse looking for my wallet... where was it in this monstrously big bag i called a purse? by this time the blond is done and looking at me... "Oh my," I say "I think I left my wallet in the car." how embarrassing. the lady looks moved to tears at my predicament but manages to say "I'll hold it, just come back to this register." i sigh and rush to the car where my wallet sits just as pretty as can be on the passenger seat. grrr. it's ok. moving fast i return to my place of origin-- register 6-- only to find my habitat now infested with a older middle-aged lady of the variety that wears matching snowflake vest, earrings and coordinating slacks and shoes topped off with a professionally dyed ash blond head that does not hide that she is well over 48. my exuberance at the express lane is completely dead by now. i try not to go back into my toe tapping number from earlier but find it almost impossible as the snowflake lady unloads supplies that look like they will be used to host a party of 50 with deep-fried entrees-- courtesy of snowflake's new Presto Fry-Daddy electric deep fryer-- after aid party she will no doubt be incapacitated in bed using her four boxes of tissues. The only thing more trying than standing behind someone abusing the express lane is standing behind someone abusing the express lane after you've already checked out.
since i have nothing else to do i might at least pray for her... i think... and a bit half-heartedly begin...

i must admit that my sanity is often maintained by the outrageous sarcasm that flashes-- like neon lights at an all night diner-- in my head.

disclaimer: events described in this blog are not entirely fictitious-- any resemblance to people living and living dead is entirely intentional if somewhat exaggerated.