ramblings on pride

my pride is a horrible thing-- it causes me to lie to others and myself. but my pride is not something that happens to me i am realizing... it is a choice i make. and my pride is such that it isn't that i think highly of myself but that i want others to think well of me. i don't like to look bad and i don't like to fail. i don't like seeing all the parts of myself unconformed. but isn't that what makes up our humanity? our journey closer to God and our bruised up knees from falling on our faces so often? if perfection were the starting point i would not be a part of humanity and i love being a part of humanity most days.

funny how so many ideas in the universe intersect. love. pride. fear. compassion. i am coming to believe more and more that love is not possible with pride standing in the way. and that true compassion only comes with a healthy dose of love. who was it that said that pride is the root of all other sin? i think they were onto something.

and somehow i always come back to Jesus-- His absolute love drove Him to what? humility. he made himself nothing. (check out --phil. 2:5-11-- more beautiful every time i read it)

i am learning to admit more and more-- as i see more and more-- my desperate need. taking it to God. sharing with others. being freed. learning to love. choosing to love. having our despair of ourselves turned all around. as oswald chambers-- one of my favorite writers of all time-- said how can we despair of any one after seeing what was inside ourselves?

i can see God taking our dirt and planting a flower garden.

a few thoughts between you and me

india is a thousand colors whirling by
on ladies, billboards and buses.

india is fired food, cologne and smoke
floating past the sense of scent.

india is shrill auto rickshaw horns and a desperate "auntie"
heard many times throughout a day.

i have decided that i prefer happy endings. the unfortunate thing is that the world is short on happy endings.

after watching the movie atonement i reached this conclusion. i also decided that i wish there was a rewind button on life. just made a bad decision that will negatively affect the rest of my life? no problem! just rewind a bit.

somehow while that sounds appealing at first glance... i wonder why it seems someone wrong to me? maybe it is a little like this other movie i watched lately eternal sunshine of the spotless mind--in which two lovers decide to erase memories of eachother. the final idea is that even if memories really suck that somehow we can't help wanting them and it takes away a piece of us if we don't have them.

somehow i feel like we wouldn't be ourselves if we didn't have cracks in our perfection, mistakes, redemption, atonement. in keeping with the movie connections it would be a bit stepford wives-ish.

this may require more thought.